


Bride Wars

by SydnieAust



Category: Bride Wars (2009), Glee
Genre: Best Friends, F/F, F/M, M/M, New York City, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27965192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SydnieAust/pseuds/SydnieAust
Summary: Since childhood, when they were only wide-eyed dreamers, best friends Kurt Hummel and Mercedes Jones have been planning, down to the smallest detail, their magnificent future weddings. Patiently sharing the same dream of having a June wedding at New York City's idyllic Plaza Hotel for almost 20 years, the best friends will finally see their fantasy come true. However, when both weddings are inadvertently scheduled on the same day, a full-scale war breaks out. They say all is fair in love and war, but can a single mistake turn the once dear BFFs into best rivals forever?A mashup of Glee and Bride Wars (2009).
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Finn Hudson & Kurt Hummel, Kurt Hummel & Mercedes Jones, Mercedes Jones & Santana Lopez, Mercedes Jones/Shane Tinsley, Mike Chang/Tina Cohen-Chang, Quinn Fabray/Noah Puckerman, Rachel Berry/Finn Hudson, Sam Evans/Mercedes Jones, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Let me begin by saying, before his death, there was a lot of information that came out about Mark Salling. I do not in anyway condone or accept any of the things he did. However, I am able to separate Mark from the character Noah Puckerman, and hopefully you can as well. So please, do not think I approve of any of the things he did.
> 
> Barrette: https://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB15tF5RXXXXXXzXXXXq6xXFXXX0/20pcs-lot-Rhinestone-butterfly-Hair-Clips-Women-Hairpins-Wedding-Bridal-Hair-Jewelry-Bride-Headdress-Wedding-Party.jpg
> 
> Quinn’s Wedding:  
> Mercedes's dress: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/421649583845650752/  
> Kurt's suit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/12033123985094024/  
> Quinn's dress: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/711076228651493178/
> 
> Fashion House:  
> Kurt's work outfit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/94716398397949864/  
> Finn's work outfit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/39195459230088170/
> 
> Recording Studio:  
> Mercedes's work outfit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/453245150002604551/  
> Santana's work outfit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1688918588259948/
> 
> Mercedes’s Dolce blouse: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/173881235602234237/

* * *

Kurt and Mercedes have been best friends since birth. They’ve done everything together; watch movies, go to the mall, listen to Broadway shows, go on vacation.

One year, their joint family vacation found them in New York where Ruby and Carole took Mercedes and Kurt to the Palm Court for tea. On that afternoon, there was a wedding. There was something blue, something borrowed and something completely magical.

Kurt and Mercedes snuck away from their moms to follow the bride. The bride’s barrette falls out her hair and they pick it up. And two children from Lima, Ohio held in their hands a new dream. That one day they would find that one person who would stand by them no matter what. And when they did, they too would have June weddings at the Plaza.

…… 

Ten-year-old Kurt and Mercedes are in Kurt’s room playing pretend wedding while making Finn be the officiant.

Kurt takes a ring out of their special wedding box and puts it on her finger.

“Thank you. And, yes, Your Honor, I will take this lofty man to be my husband,” says Mercedes.

“I always knew my wedding would be the happiest day of my life," says Kurt.

"I now pronounce man and wife," says Finn. "You may now dance until you have six babies and a house.”

They start dancing together as Burt catches them.

“Do you guys think they let pets inside the Plaza?” asks Mercedes.

“Well, it’s not like we’re getting married until we’re 16, at least.” He spins her around the room.

Burt smiles to himself.

**15 Years Later**

Kurt and Mercedes are at Quinn’s wedding to Biff. They look around the room sizing the wedding up.

“Not too shabby. Caviar cocktail hour...” says Kurt.

“...cigar roller, white glove service...” says Mercedes.

“Celadon cymbidium orchids.”

“And a great DJ.”

“So we both admit it’s beautiful.”

“But? Do you think it’s the work of Sue Sylvester?”

“Sue’s a visionary.”

She gives him a look. “Mmm?”

“Oh. If it had been my wedding--”

“Oh, just say it.”

“It ain’t June.”

“And it ain’t the Plaza.”

They clink glasses.

“Oh! It’s the elephant in the room.”

“Oh, yeah.” She gasps. “And here you are.”

Their boyfriends, Blaine and Shane, walk over to them.

“Oh, look. A duck made out of ice. Isn’t this great?” says Shane, bored out of his mind. “Know what else is great?”

“Going home early and diving into your Netflix queue?” replies Mercedes as she fixes his tie.

“Am I that predictable?”

“How about one more dance…” starts Blaine as he dances with Kurt.

“Mmhmm,” replies Kurt, intrigued.

“And I’ll give you my piece of the cake, _if_ you let me lead.”

“Very funny.”

“Come on. Come on.”

“Babe, you know I always lead.”

Quinn drunkenly walks onto the stage. “Hey. Oh. Hi, guys. Are you ready to catch this bouquet?”

“Gotta go,” says Mercedes to Shane.

“I’m so happy all of you are here!”

Mercedes walks past Kurt and Blaine on her way to catch the bouquet. “On the other hand, always fun…”

“I know. They take it so seriously.” He follows her.

“My work friends, sort of. My college friends.” She sees Mercedes and Kurt in the crowd. “Oh, my God! Mercedes Jones, is that the same dress you wore to _Mr. Shue’s_ wedding, like, a bazillion years ago?”

“Yeah,” says Mercedes uncomfortably.

“What’s your point?” asks Kurt. “Because it’s a classic. If a dress works, you work it hard.”

“Oh. See, that is sweet. And loyal. Besties sticking up for each other. I like that, a lot. Keep that. Anyway, are you guys ready to catch this?” She holds up her bouquet.

“Yeah!” yells Tina from the audience.

“Just think about it, feel it, catch it. One, two, three!” She throws it.

Mercedes’s eyes are like a hunter’s and Kurt’s hand looks like it could kill a bitch in one move. But, in the end, it’s Tina who catches the bouquet.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

The next week, Kurt and Mercedes are on their morning run, rather power walk for Mercedes.

“Okay, slow down!” yells Mercedes.

Kurt slows down a little.

“God, why can’t we run with music?”

“We can’t run with music because running with music is for people who can’t be alone with their own thoughts.” He runs a circle around her. “I’m literally running circles around you. Do you know that?”

“Do you know how many things I can think about at once? You know what a multitasker I am.”

“You’re not enjoying my conversation? Is that what you’re saying? I’m hurt. I am very hurt, Mercy.”

She checks the time. “Alright, I gotta go.” She starts splitting off from Kurt.

“All right. Have a good day!”

“Love you! Bye!”

“Call me. Tell me how the session goes, love.”

“You, too! Hey! Watch this power walk. Whoo!”

“Whoo!”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

The elevator dings.

Finn meets Kurt at the elevator. “Hey, did you get the changes to the fashion show plans?”

They start walking toward Kurt’s office.

“Read and highlighted in the cab.”

“Great.”

“Hey, thank you again for covering for my assistant.”

“No problem. With Rachel on tour and the teachers going on strike I needed the extra work. Besides, you’re my little brother, how could just leave you hanging?” He gives Kurt a side hug. “Do you know when she’ll be back?”

“No, but if you have to go back to work, I’ll have the agency get me a replacement.” He sighs. “Do you have a lint roller?”

“Yes.” He pulls one out.

He grabs it. “Thank God. It’s like the whole city is made out of lint.”

…

Kurt, Isabelle, and a fashion director, Mr. Simmons are in a meeting.

“I know it’s ambitious, pulling the formal wear at the last minute. But I promise you, it’s gonna pay off,” says Kurt.

“Thank you, Kurt,” says Isabelle. “Our best designer, Mr. Simmons.”

“Maybe this is too ambitious. I mean, you’ll barely have enough time to design and create them.”

“Mr. Simmons, you don’t-- you don't know me, but I-I know you. All you need to know is how badly you want to sell this line and I don’t settle for less.”

“You’re right. He’s perfect.”

Kurt smiles at him.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Mercedes gets done with a session. “That was perfect Kenny!” She says over the speakers. “Let’s meet tomorrow and we’ll hit the backing vocals.”

“Cool. Thanks Mercedes!” He puts the equipment away and packs up and leaves.

Mercedes’s intern knocks on the door.

“Hey, Robert. What’s up?”

“Ms. Lopez is looking for you.”

She shoots her head up. “Is she? W-Was she nearby?”

“She-she’s--”

Santana walks by the studio. “Mercedes, there you are.”

“Hi, Santana!” she says through gritted teeth.

Santana turns to Robert. “You can go now.”

Robert nervously walks away.

“Wow!”

“I know. Isn’t it gorgeous? God, I feel so blessed to have this body.”

Mercedes laughs uncomfortably. “You know, I am so late--” She tries to leave the room.

She grabs her arm. “No, no, no. Listen. You gotta help me out here. You know Connect 3? Stupid boy band.”

“Yeah…”

“I cannot listen to their shitty music anymore. I mean, whining about girls who’ll never fuck them? Shut up! So, you gotta do it for me.”

“Yeah, Tana, I’m already doing your pop group and the sapphic band and your rap duo. You said you would do Connect 3 and I don’t think that I should…”

“I know. I do so much. I wish I could just do the bare minimum. I so admire you for that, ‘Cedes.”

“Thank you.”

“Anyway, all right, look. Here’s how we’ll work it out. I’ll keep Connect 3--”

“Okay, good.”

“Uh-huh. If you finish the Christmas album. Okay?” She starts walking away.

“Yeah, that’s-- No.”

“All right. You owe me, girl.” She runs into another intern. “Get out of my way!”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

After work, Mercedes and Kurt head to Kurt’s apartment.

“Why do you let her run over you like this?” asks Kurt.

“I just--”

“She’s trying to overwork you, so you crack under pressure.”

“No, Santana would never do that. I think she’s still sad. I mean, she broke up with Brittany and hasn’t been the same since.”

“‘Cedes, that was almost a year ago. You need to have a talk with her.”

“I just think she needs another girlfriend. Or at least get laid.”

“Maybe I’ll go out and get laid if I don’t get proposed to in the next month! God, I hate Blaine!” He laughs as his phone rings. “Hello? No, Finn. I’m dealing with a crisis.”

“What’s your crisis?”

“Uh, that’s code for, ‘I’m out of the office. Please stop calling me.’”

“Oh, I see. Well, then thank you for putting me through.”

…

In the apartment, Mercedes is trying on jeans for Kurt.

“See? I told you those jeans would look great on you!”

“They aren’t too tight?”

“Hun, they aren’t tight enough.” He pulls out a shirt. “I mean, Mercedes, hunter green? Not your color. Okay? Seriously.” He throws that shirt out. “Oh, but you know what?” He pulls out a gorgeous blouse. “Try this. Because-- you know what? Keep it.”

She grabs it. “Well--”

“It never hung right on me anyway.”

“Of course it doesn’t hang right on you. It’s…” She looks at the tag. “...my size, and it’s new. This is the Dolce blouse I told you about last week.” She shakes her head. “Kurt, I can’t.”

“Hey, hey. You know I get everything basically free. I’m practically making money on it with you modeling it,” he smiles.

“Kurt, it’s too much.”

“‘Cedes, ‘Cedes, ‘Cedes. Just say thank you.”

She concedes. “Thank you. It’s beautiful. I love it.”

“Good. Now this--” He points to a box. “‘Cedes’s stuff. ‘Cedes’s stuff. Let’s get rid of it. At one point, you moved out, like, a hundred years ago. Okay? Blaine’s sweater? Cardigan? You wanna try that?”

“Yeah, love it.”

He pulls down a sweater from the top shelf and a jewelry box falls. They both gasp.

“Oh, my Gaga!”

“Tiffany box!”

“You’re getting engaged?”

“I’m getting engaged? I’m getting engaged!”

“You’re getting engaged!”

“Oh, my God!”

“Oh, my God!”

“I’m gonna look at it!” He starts running.

She starts running after him. “No! Stop it. No. Kurt!”

“I have to look!”

“Stop it! No! No! No, no!”

“You can’t stop me!”

She pins him to the couch and screams in his face until he let’s go of the box. She takes a breath. “I’m sorry. But he should see your face when you first see the ring.”

“Good call. You always think of others, Mercedes. It never occurs to me like that. I mean, sometimes it does.”

She sighs and gets a huge smile on her face. “I’m really happy for you.”

They hug.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone until after he proposes,” says Mercedes as they walk down the street to meet up with Tina, Brittany, Santana, and Quinn.

“Oh, God. I would never. I’d be out of my mind.”

They walk into the bar.

“I’m engaged!” he immediately yells and walks over to their table.

The girls start screaming.

Mercedes rolls her eyes as she walks to the table.

…

“Can we get four tequila shots?” Santana asks the bartender.

“No. No. No, no, no. None for me. I’m fine,” says Mercedes adamantly.

“Acapulco, 2016- Mercedes and Shane on a break,” says Quinn.

“‘Never talk about that week again,’” teases Brittany.

“‘I’m so lonely and confused, and very thirsty. Please, Miguel!’” teases Tina.

“Okay! Okay, okay. Make it stop. Please.”

Tina raises her glass. “All right, a toast. To Kurt, congratulations to an amazing friend. And deepest condolences to our girl Mercedes, Kurt’s best maid. He will surely be the most nightmarish groom ever.”

“It is my burden and mine alone,” says Mercedes.

“I’ll be repaying the favor very soon,” says Kurt as he toasts. “Cheers!”

Finn, Sam, Puck, Artie, and Mike walk into the bar.

“What’d we all rush down here for?” asks Sam.

Kurt jumps from his seat. “Guys! I’m getting married!”

“Get out!” says Sam as he hugs Kurt.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, my God. My little brother’s gettin’ married!” exclaims Finn. He hugs Kurt.

“This is gonna be the most bomb wedding!” says Artie as he hugs Kurt.

“But who’s the bride?” asks Puck as he hugs Kurt and Kurt rolls his eyes.

“I’d be willing to choreograph your first dance,” says Mike as he hugs Kurt.

Sam looks around. “Where’s Blaine? Why didn’t tell us he was about to pop the question?”

“Oh. Oh. He’s not here,” says Mercedes.

“Well, he hasn’t actually popped the question yet,” clarifies Kurt.

Artie shakes his head and laughs as he picks up a shot. “A toast. To Blaine, who in his own world is just working late, but I guess in Kurt’s world he has just proposed…”

“...God bless him for wanting to spend his life with Kurt in any world,” jokes Finn.

“To Kurt,” finishes Sam.

“We love ya!” says Brittany.

“He’s a lucky guy,” says Mike.

Kurt gets very quiet and clears his throat. “I’m gonna go get some air.” He walks out of the bar.

Finn watches him go and turns back to Mercedes. “Mercy, should I?”

“I got it.” She gets up and heads outside to find Kurt leaning on the wall. She walks over to him and leans next to him.

“I mean, they didn’t get to see my first designs being chosen or Finn’s show choir winning Nationals for the first time. So, I can’t share this with ‘em.”

“I wish your parents could be here too.”

He shrugs. “Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Kurt, you’re only human. You don’t have to have it together every minute of every day.”

“Former bullied kids. We’re made of steel and sass. We survive.”

She laughs. “Yes, we do survive.”

“Thanks, Mercy.”

“You’re welcome, Kurt.”

“You’re gonna be the greatest best maid ever.”

“Yes, I am!”

“What do we do first?”

“First. Oh! I was thinking. It might be a good idea to actually get the proposal.”

“See? It’s that head for details.”

“Yeah, right? I know.”

They head back into the bar.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mercedes’s engagement ring: https://a.1stdibscdn.com/archivesE/upload/j_1002/j_29821331499447421222/20141_main1_l.jpg 
> 
> Kurt’s engagement ring: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/327425835415236330/

* * *

The next night, Mercedes and Shane are eating dinner and watching Hell’s Kitchen.

“Hey, babe? I don’t think they sent us any fortune cookies,” says Mercedes from the kitchen, opening two beers.

“No, they sent ‘em. I got them right here.”

“Oh, good.” She heads into the living room.

“Okay. Here we are. I’m just cuing it up.”

She sits down on the couch.

“This guy’s gotta go. I’m sorry. I know you love Gordon.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“He’s very pitchy.”

“You know, Shane, that is actually a real thing. Pitchy’s not just code for someone you don’t like.”

“Oh, okay. You’re pitchy.”

She tries to grab a fortune cookie.

“Oh, uh, that one’s mine. Please?”

“You’re really calling dibs on fortune cookies now?”

“Well, yeah, obviously.”

They switch.

“Okay. Fine. But if your fortune’s better than mine, I’m claiming it.”

“I don’t think it will be. Okay. Are you ready?”

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.” She cracks open the cookie and an engagement ring falls out. She starts giggling. “What’s this?”

“I put a lot of thought into where I was gonna do this and, uh, I wanna do it here. This is our home and if I’m 99 years old and we’re doing exactly this in our home-- TV and gettin’ Chinese food-- that’ll be good enough for me.”

She laughs.

“So, Mercedes Charlotte Jones?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes! Yes!”

…

_Kurt’s phone rings and he answers it. “It didn’t happen tonight. But I’m not worried, ‘cause I’m sure Blaine’s--”_

“I-I’m engaged. Shane just proposed, like, two minutes ago. I’m engaged!”

_“Color?_

“Purple diamond with silver band.”

_“Cut?_

“Brilliant.

_“Clarity?_

“Slightly included.

_“Carat?_

“Almost four, maybe just under.” She whispers. “More than he could afford, I’m sure.”

_“Awww!”_

…

“Engaged? Wow!” says Tina tightly on the phone with Mercedes. She walks into her bathroom. “Kurt’s engaged. You’re engaged. That’s-That’s--. C-Can I call you back?” She opens her medicine cabinet and takes out a pill bottle.

…

Brittany walks into her kitchen while on the phone with Kurt. “Mercedes is engaged? No. Of course I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be happy? I think it’s great! Yeah.” She goes to her freezer and pulls out ice cream. “No, you don’t have to come here. I’m fine. I’m not gonna eat anything. Okay. Bye!” She puts the ice cream in the microwave.

…

Santana walks into her kitchen while on the phone with Mercedes. “I just better be a bridesmaid. That’s all I’m saying. No, I’m not drinking.” She picks up a huge bottle of wine. “Look, I gotta go.” She hangs up.

…

Quinn’s in bed and on the phone with Mercedes. “And I have the perfect wedding present.” She hangs up. She pulls out a tacky present she got from her wedding. “You are going to live with Mercedes and Shane.” She looks over at Biff, snoring. “You’re irritating me.”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

The next morning Mercedes and Kurt are doing their morning run/power walk.

Mercedes is gushing about her engagement ring. “I can’t believe it. It’s so weird having this on my finger. I mean, hey, look. It even sparkles in the rain.”

“Blinding. Ouch,” Kurt replies in jealousy.

“So, I’m thinking about getting DJ Humble to spin at my party. I don’t know though. Is that weird?”

“You should go for it.”

“You know I’m not really a big band kind of girl.”

“Whatever you want. It’s your wedding.”

“Oh. My mom can’t fly up until the wedding. She’s too busy with work. But who cares. I’ve got you, right?”

“Yeah. I’m so psyched.”

“So would you come with me to meet her?”

“I’m sorry. What? Meet who?”

“Sue Sylvester. Haven’t you been listening? I’ve got an appointment with her on Friday.”

“You already made an appointment?”

“Yeah.”

“But you just got engaged last night.”

“I know. But technically, I’m already behind. You gotta book early if you want the Plaza.”

“The Plaza? I can’t believe this.”

“What-What’s the matter? Why are you mad?”

“I’m not mad. No, not at you, honey. I just don’t know what’s taking Blaine so long.”

“Oh, God. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-- We don’t have to talk about this. Let’s just drop it.”

“Don’t worry about me. Worry about Blaine. He’s gonna be dead soon!” He starts running towards the theatre Blaine’s at.

“Why? What--”

“Call you later!”

“Where are you go-- Kurt, you let him do this his own way!” she yells after him.

......

Kurt runs all the way to the theatre and stops rehearsal. As Blaine’s doing a romantic scene with his co-star no less.

He runs in. “Sorry to interrupt! Honey! Will you just marry me, already?”

“Yeah. Okay,” says the co-star.

Kurt rolls his eyes. “Isn’t that what you want? ‘Cuz it’s what I want and I just wanna know if you want to marry me.” He walks onto the stage. “Don’t you wanna get married?”

“Who is this?” asks the director.

Blaine chuckles uncomfortably and grabs Kurt’s hands. “Babe, can we talk about this later?”

“You changed your mind? I saw the Tiffany box in the closet. Right?”

He sighs uncomfortably again. “Uh--”

“Oh, my God. It’s not a ring? If it’s a keychain I’m gonna kill myself and I’m taking you down with me.”

“Really?”

“Could you just tell me right here and right now? Is it something that you would want? Would you want-- Would you want to get married?”

“You know what I will tell you? I have never met a more obnoxious, complicated, overbearing, gorgeous, smart, sexy man in my life.” He walks over to his bag and pulls out a Tiffany box. “And--” He laughs. “If you had just waited until tonight--” He gasps over dramatically.

Kurt giggles.

He pulls the ring out of the box. “Then you wouldn’t be the man I fell in love with because he doesn’t know how to wait.” He turns to his co-star. “Will you hold this for a second?”

“Yeah, dude.”

“Which is fine, as long as I get to spend the rest of my life trying to catch up with him.” He gets down on one knee. “Kurt Elizabeth Hummel?”

“Mmhmm?”

“Will you marry me?

Kurt gets a huge smile on his face. “Are you proposing?”

He nods. “Mmm-hmm.”

“Really? Honey, it’s so out of nowhere,” trying to act surprised.

“Kurt, shut up. Yes or no?”

“Yes. Yes!”

He stands up and puts the ring on his finger. “Babe.”

“Yes!”

“This is not how I planned it.” Blaine picks him and spins him around.

“Are you kidding? Oh!”

“I love ‘Bring Your Hot Boyfriend to Work’ day,” says the co-star.

“Totally,” agress the director.

Kurt squeals in Blaine’s arms.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mercedes’s dress: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/219198706847436907/

* * *

And that is the journey that brought these two young people to Sue’s townhouse that Friday afternoon.

As they’re walking towards the door, Kurt starts getting nervous.

“No, no, no. We got this! Just take a breath,” supports Mercedes.

He takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’m good.”

They walk into the townhouse and walk up to her assistant.

“Hi. We’re Sue’s 1:00,” says Mercedes.

“Mm-hmm,” says Becky.

“We’re both getting married and we’re both each other’s person of honor,” says Kurt.

“No way. That’s incredible,” says Becky, bored out of her mind. “Coach will see you now.”

Kurt and Mercedes look at each other confused and then walk into her office. She’s typing away on her laptop.

“Hi. I’m Kurt Hummel,” introduces Kurt.

“Hi, Ms. Sylvester. Wow,” says Mercedes.

“This is Mercedes Jones.”

“What an honor.”

“We’ve been best friends for a long time.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“Sit,” says Sue coldly.

“Okay,” says Mercedes.

“Got it,” says Kurt.

Sue closes her laptop and looks up at them. “A wedding marks the first day of the rest of your life. You have been dead until now. W-Were you aware of that? You’re dead right now.”

Kurt gasps. “I understand.”

“Thank you. For example, I will die dead.”

Mercedes and Kurt look at each other nervously.

“Now, I’ve read the brief that Becky put together on you.” She starts laughing. “June weddings at the Plaza.”

“So it’s not even a remote possibility?” asks Mercedes.

“If you’d gone elsewhere, not a chance. But you’ve come to me.” She laughs. “Call me ‘dream catcher’. I’ll answer.”

“Ooh. Dream catcher,” says Kurt sarcastically.

She opens her laptop. “I happen to have…” She looks on her calendar. “Three openings at the Plaza in June, two the first Saturday and one the last Saturday. That would be the 6th and the 27th.”

“Oh! My parents’ anniversary is the 6th. That’s so meant to be,” says Kurt.

“That’s right! Well, then I’ll take the 27th.”

“Great. Um, you’ll wanna discuss this with your grooms?”

“No,” they both reply.

“All right then.” She pulls out contracts from her desk. “Just sign and date these.”

“This feels pretty good right now, I gotta say,” says Mercedes excitedly.

“Now, uh, we should discuss themes.”

“Uh, elegant minimalism with romantic textures,” answers Mercedes.

“Classic traditionalism and trendy infusion,” answers Kurt.

“I’m impressed,” says Sue.

“Really? Well, we love you so much,” says Kurt.

Becky knocks on the door then pokes her head in. “Your 1:00 is here, Coach.”

“Thank you, Becky.”

“And I have packets for you up front,” she says to Kurt and Mercedes.

Kurt and Mercedes get up and start following Becky out.

Mercedes leans over to the 1:00 appointment. “Bride to bride, there’s only one June opening left at the Plaza.”

“Oh, my God! Thank you. You are so sweet.” The door closes. “Ms. Sylvester, first off, I’m obsessed with you. Uh, it’s an honor and a privilege.”

“Sit.”

“Sure.”

Kurt and Mercedes get outside and start squealing.

“June. At the Plaza!” yells Kurt.

They hug each other and start jumping up and down and screaming. But, they’re so blissfully unaware of the implications of their wedding date. At this point, June is a mere three and a half months away. A blink of an eye, in wedding time.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Kurt’s helping Mercedes pick out a wedding dress that is equally fabulous and not horrifically expensive.

“Oh, my God!” exclaims Mercedes when she sees a Vera Wang dress. “Miss Wang. Lace bodice. Mermaid, 100-layer tulle.” She sighs.

“You should try it on.”

“No. No, no. It’s way too expensive. And most of the money is going to the Plaza and hiring Sue…”

“Mercy, are you sure? This is your wedding day. You should feel the most beautiful you can. And Shane has a good job. He’ll help in any way he can with the Plaza fees.”

She bites her lip. “It is really pretty. And I do love off-the-shoulder. But it’s still…”

He grabs the dress from the rack. “We’re gonna try this on, okay?” he says to the attendant.

“No, uh, I’m gonna… try it on,” Mercedes concedes.

…

Mercedes walks out of the dressing room in the dress.

Kurt’s eyes get bright. “Mercy! You look beautiful. It’s stunning. It’s perfect.”

She sighs. “I know, right,” she giggles. “But I should probably keep looking…”

“Do you think there is something better than Vera Wang? Except for a Kurt Hummel original?”

She laughs.

“Do they keep that next to the something that is better than chocolate? Mercedes, get the dress.”

The attendant speaks up. “Just be very careful about any pre-wedding weight gain. You don’t alter a Vera to fit you; you alter yourself to fit Vera.”

Mercedes giggles nervously. “I’ll definitely try.”

The attendant looks her up and down. “Try as hard as you can, dear,” she says snidely.

“I’ll, um, I’ll take it.”

“Perfect. I’ll get you some more champagne.”

Both of their phones ring at the same time and they grab them.

“Sue.” They both say.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Kurt and Mercedes are sitting in Sue’s office.

“A terrible mistake has been made.” starts Sue. “One I assure you has never happened before in the House of Sylvester. Your weddings have been booked on the same day.”

“Can you say that again? I’m sorry,” says Kurt.

She clears her throat. “Your weddings have been scheduled for the same date.”

“Mother fucker,” says Mercedes in distress.

“Are you insane? The Plaza is our lifelong dream!” yells Kurt.

“My 2nd assistant, Donna, who was covering for Becky last week, mixed up the dates. You are now both set to be married June 6th and the other bride on June 27th. The next available date at the Plaza is June 15th--”

“That’s perfect! I’ll take it,” exclaims Mercedes.

“Three years from now,” finishes Sue.

Mercedes laughs nervously.

“This is no--” starts Kurt.

“No, I can’t--” says Mercedes.

“It’s no problem. It’s no problem. Because I’ll negotiate it. I talk to fashion execs for a living. I’ll get the other bride to switch her dates with you.”

“Trust me. You can’t say no to that face.”

Kurt smiles.

“Well, our confidentiality agreement means that I cannot tell you who she is, so which one of you will choose a different venue?”

The intercom beeps. “I’m leaving right now, Ms, Sylvester,” says Donna.

She clicks the intercom. “Word to the wise, Donna, and also to you, don’t _ever_ use me as a reference.” She looks up and sees Mercedes and Kurt gone.

As Donna’s trying to leave, Mercedes and Kurt ambush her.

“Hello, Donna,” says Mercedes menacingly.

“Just tell us where the other bride is and nobody’s gonna get hurt,” says Kurt.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Mercedes and Kurt find the third bride at a department store, obviously browsing for things for her wedding.

“Hi,” greets Mercedes.

“Hello, Stacy,” greets Kurt. They start speaking over one another.

“How are you?”

“It’s Mercedes and Kurt.”

“You look gorgeous.”

“Did you lose weight?”

After a little small talk, they explain the situation to Stacy.

“You want me to change the date of my wedding?” Stacy asks to clarify.

“Yes,” says Kurt.

“That’d be great,” says Mercedes.

She laughs incredulously. “No.” She starts walking away.

Mercedes starts following her. “Listen, you take the 6th, give me the 27th. He can be your wedding buddy.”

He puts his arm around Stacy. “I’m a ball. Really. I am.”

“Don’t touch me.”

He takes his arm off her and clears his throat. “Let’s talk numbers. Every wedding has a price, hun. What’s yours?”

“You can’t buy me. So again, no. No, no, no. A thousand times, no. Good luck, guys.”

…

Mercedes gets right in Stacy’s face.

“There’s something wrong with you,” she starts backing away.

“We’re not leaving until you change your da…!”

Stacy pushes Mercedes out of the way and starts running. “You bitches are crazy!”

Kurt starts running after her. “Just change your date!”

“He’s crazy! Somebody call security!”

Mercedes starts running too. “You won’t even change your date!”

“You’re crazy!”

…

Kurt and Mercedes are being escorted out of the department store.

“It’s unnecessary for you to touch me so hard!” yells Kurt as the security guard has a tight grip on both of them.

“She pushed me, too!” reasons Mercedes.

“Come on, get out! And have a nice day,” says the security guard snidely as he lets them go roughly.

“Whatever!” yells Kurt. He sighs. “We could sue. We could sue. I have good connections with lawyers. We could sue ‘em all! We could sue the Plaza. We could sue Sue. We could sue Donna--”

“What’s the point? None of them are gonna make it right. It’s up to us. I want you at my wedding. And whichever way this works out… one of us will just have to be married on a different day.”

They sit down at a fountain.

“Absolutely. I mean, you know, I want you at my wedding. Obviously. If we can’t think of any other way out of this… one of us will simply have to be flexible," he says awkwardly.

“Yeah. One of us will just have to change venues.”

“Right. One of us could.”

“But probably, um, not the one of us who’s been saving up for a decade… because she doesn’t want to be broke at the end of this…”

“True. I mean, or it would be… if the other one of us wasn’t so desperate to get married at the Plaza because the Plaza is one of the only happy memories he has of his childhood. So, oops. That’s--”

“Right. One of us will have to move their date.”

“Yep. One of us will.”

“And until one of us decides, we shouldn’t make any concrete plans.”

“Agreed. There’s some time before we have to lock things in.”

“Let’s just not do anything until one of us moves their date.”

“Okay. So, um--”

“Talk to you soon?”

“One o-of us will call the other.”

“Yes.”

They awkwardly hug and walk away from each other.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bridal Shower:  
> Kurt: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/83809243045295899/  
> Mercedes: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/135459901277722727/  
> Santana: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/245446248430074688/  
> Tina: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/11751648999677818/  
> Quinn: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/93379392262398901/  
> Brittany: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/39828777938404034/

* * *

The next week, Blaine’s having a boy’s night with the guys and Kurt’s pacing and complaining while they play video games.

“One of us hasn’t called me yet. But you know what, she’s gonna move her date. She always was the bendy one, even when we were younger, remember?”

“Yeah, she didn’t sound too bendy to me,” says Sam as he battles against Blaine.

Kurt stands in front of them and Blaine pauses the game.

Sam sighs. “I called Shane, and she picked up. He’s doin’ my taxes tomorrow night.”

“You can’t choose sides. It’s too early in the game. Anyway, Blaine can do your taxes.”

“Babe, I have so much trouble doing our own, I can’t be doing anyone else’s.”

Kurt rolls his eyes.

“Kurt, Shane has been my accountant for six years. I’m going.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” says Finn as he eats a piece of pizza.

“This is why I’m glad I don’t have a girlfriend,” says Puck as he takes a swig of beer.

“Why don’t you just have a double wedding?” offers Mike.

“What are we, 41-year-old twin sisters?” asks Kurt.

“A double wedding!” says Artie excitedly.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

“A double wedding! I think that’s a great idea! It would be a hell of a party,” says Shane excitedly as he sorts through Sam’s receipts.

“You know, uh, no,” says Mercedes as she folds her laundry. “I’ve shared everything my whole life with Kurt. I’d kinda like my own day just-just once.”

“I know, babe. Is this everything? This is all your gas receipts…”

“Threw it all in the shoe box. I don’t know,” shrugs Sam.

“It’s my dream too to get married at the Plaza. I have been saving since I was 16.”

Sam looks at her sadly.

She sighs wearily. “I just need a few more days to let it go. We’ll find a new venue. Kurt’s reasons are better than mine.”

“Baby, it’s like American Idol, right? Kurt is the Simon. Ugh. God.”

Sam and Mercedes get a shocked look on their faces.

“I mean, no offense. B-but you’re the Paula. Even when they can’t sing, you compliment their outfit.”

“But everyone listens to Simon.”

“I wouldn’t marry Simon. I’d marry me some Paula. Mmm!”

Mercedes sighs and storms out of the room.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Kurt and Blaine are looking at save-the-date cards and Blaine’s bored out of his mind.

“That’s nice,” says Kurt as he flips through a catalog.

“Hun, just pick one. I’m fine with any of ‘em.”

“See? That’s why I need a best maid. You don’t care.”

“Hey, you wanna have her back in the game? You know what you’re gonna have to do, and the sooner the better. We need to give our guests some notice.”

“Exactly. Which is why save-the-dates are so key, but you don’t care.”

Blaine’s phone rings. “It’s not that I don’t care.”

“Well, get your phone then!”

“Hello?” answers Blaine.

“Men,” scoffs Kurt to the attendant.

“Yo, Shane. No, nothin’ much. Just lookin’ at save-the-dates or invites. Are we still on for tomorrow?”

_“Yeah, totally,” answers Shane. “Any sign of progress on your end? Is Kurt softening at all?”_

“No way. And there’s no way he’s gonna blink first. They haven’t spoken for a week. That’s a century in their time. What is it about the weddings that’s making ‘em so worked up?”

_“I know. I have no idea. It’s, like, the wrong time to let your groom know that you’re crazy. You know what I mean? It’s not how I’d play it.”_

Blaine clears his throat uncomfortably. “Yeah.”

Mercedes’s and Shane’s front door opens.

“Oh, you know what? She’s here now. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

_“All right.” They hang up._

“Hey,” greets Mercedes.

“Hi, sweetie.”

“Hi.”

“How’s Connect 3?”

She puts down her bags and sits down on the couch. “Santana was right. They’re whiny and continuously complain about girls who’ll never fuck them. I honestly don’t know why our boss signed them.” She sighs. “I’m gonna call Kurt.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. The girls are throwing us that joint shower and it’d be good to have all this behind us by then. Right?”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“You should call him. I just got off the phone with Blaine. He says they’re out doin’ their save-the-dates or whatever.”

She gets a shocked look on her face. “What?”

“You should hit him up.”

“You have to know your ‘date’ date to send out your save-the-dates.”

“Oh.”

“We were both gonna wait, and he-he… I ca… I can’t believe it.”

“You can’t believe this? Really? It’s Kurt. He’s always thinking about number one.”

“No. Not this time. No. No, no, no, no, no. I’m getting married, too. Okay? I’m number one, too!”

“I-- You are my number one. I know. That’s how I feel.”

Mercedes runs to her bag and forcefully grabs her laptop.

“Babe, what are you doing?”

She sighs loudly and opens up her email and starts pounding on the keys. “Subject…”

“Listen. Listen. No, no, no, no, no,” he says as he tries to stop her.

“Emergency. This is not spam. I’m getting married, June 6th…”

“You don’t have to slam on the keys, babe.”

“The Plaza Hotel. Be there. X-O-X-O-X-O-X-O. ‘Cedes.” She scrolls over to her address book. “Address book. B.C.C. everyone. Oops. Not you Kurt.” She deletes his name. “And send.” She exhales happily.

……

Tina’s in her bathroom straightening her hair when her phone buzzes. She reads the email. “‘Emergen-C-C-C. This is ‘nit’ spam. I’m getting married, June 6th.’” Her hair starts burning. “Shit!”

……

Brittany’s putting outfits on Lord Tubbington when her phone beeps. She reads the email. “‘K.J.A.’? ‘Kuh-jaw’?” She scrolls down. “‘Cedes. What is ‘kuh-jaw,’ ‘Cedes?”

……

Santana’s drinking a glass of wine when she gets Mercedes’s email. She smiles. “Way to go, Wheezy.”

……

Quinn finishes reading the email. “Great. Mercedes’s wedding’s gonna be better than ours was, Biff. Maybe her marriage will be better too. Not filled with loneliness and sadness.”

Biff flushes the toilet in the bathroom.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

The next day at their shower, Kurt’s already there and they’re waiting for Mercedes to arrive.

“I hope you can appreciate the positions Brittany, Quinn, and I are in,” says Tina. “We’re not taking sides.”

“Relax, ladies. We’re not making any plans until we figure this out.”

“Wow. You’re so cool about it,” says Quinn.

“Yeah,” agrees Brittany.

“How else am I gonna be?”

“I mean, without taking sides though, I have to say… Mercedes’s save-the-date email was a smidge tacky,” says Tina. “I mean, ‘June 6th at the Plaza,’ smiley face? What’s next, hearts over her I’s? What was she thinking?”

“I know, right?” agrees Quinn.

“It’s shocking.”

Santana walks over. “Ladies, what are we talking about?”

“Mercedes’s save-the-dates,” answers Tina.

“You know, gossiping behind her back is not what friends do.” She takes a drink of champagne. “And that’s coming from me.”

Mercedes walks in and sees a friend. “Oh, Elizabeth, I love your dress!” she says, across the room.

“Oh my gosh! Thank you!” replies Elizabeth.

Kurt clears his throat. “Mercedes?”

She turns around.

“You sent out your save-the-dates?”

“Yeah, I did, actually.”

He chuckles nervously.

“Surprised?”

“So, one of us… is not moving their date?”

“Well, you amaze me, Kurt. You really do. You never ask me what I want. You just figure you know best, end of story. ‘Mercedes, wear this. Mercedes, say that.’ Well, Mercedes is pretty fucking tired of it.”

“Oh, whoa!”

“And don’t think I didn’t notice how totally freaked out you were because I had the nerve to get engaged before you did.”

“Okay, wait. First of all, Blaine bought my ring in December. Okay? So officially, I was first.

“Oh, pathetic. Pathetic!”

“Second, people always make you do things you don’t wanna do. Mercedes, it’s like you don’t have a spine. Oh, wait, that’s right. You don’t have a spine.”

“Damn,” says a woman.

“Wow. No one could accuse you of being soft, Kurt. You grabbed the first date in June Sue offered without even asking me first.”

“At least I’m not so terrified of being alone that I people-please my way through life. Mercedes, you settle.”

“Are you saying that I’m settling with Shane?”

“I wasn’t thinking about Shane. You came up with that one on your own.”

“Oh shit,” says Santana.

She storms toward him. “Move your date, Kurt.”

“You move your date, Mercedes.”

She shakes her head. “It’s done. You lose.” She starts walking out.

“Your wedding better watch it!”

She turns back around. “What did you just say?”

“I said your wedding should be very scared right now. If I were your wedding, I’d sleep with one eye open.”

“Why don’t you just save your threats for Blaine? After all, isn’t that how you got a proposal out of him?”

“That’s how I did it,” whispers Quinn.

“Your wedding can suck it!”

“What did you just say? My wedding can suck it?”

“I said your wedding can suck it!”

“Your wedding can s-- be--. I mean, yours can be, um. Can-Can be, uh—”

He snickers. “Please. Bye, ladies.” He starts walking away.

“Hey, Kurt?”

He turns around. “Yes?”

“Your wedding will be huge. Just like your hips in your Cheerios uniform.”

They gasp.

“We’re done.”

Santana gets up and starts clapping.


	5. Chapter Five

* * *

“Saturday, June 6th at 5:00, done,” says Mercedes to the manager of the hotel and shakes his hand.

…

“Done,” says Kurt.

“Now we just have to find you another best maid, uh, and fast. You’ll be spending more time with her or him than with your groom,” says Sue.

“My friends won’t take sides.”

“Who says it has to be a friend, Porcelain?”

Kurt looks at her confused. What’s with the nickname?

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Kurt and Mercedes are both at work. They’re on the phone trying to find a new best maid/maid of honor.

“No! No! Not just a bridesmaid. Yeah. Best maid. Best maid. Yeah. We were so close at Parsons. That merchandising class was nuts!”

…

“Oh, sweetie, you are my second cousin’s best friend. Of course, you were at the very top of my maid of honor list. Honestly, Carla. Caitlin?”

…

“Erin, no. I did not sleep with him. All right, okay. I did, actually. Once… Twice… What difference does it make? He was a loser, and he was lousy in… You did? Really? I didn’t hear that… Two kids. Wow. You guys must have had really cute kids. Uh, yeah. Tell him I say hi, and actually, I’m hopping into a cab, so I’m gonna give you a call a little later.” He hangs up and sighs heavily. He looks up from his desk and sees Finn at his desk. He makes a decision. “Finn?”

“Yeah, little brother?” He walks over to Kurt’s office.

“I’d like to promote you to my best man.”

“Do I get-- Is-- Is it, like, a pay thing?”

“No. It’s just-- It’s just an honor, honey.”

Finn smiles and runs into the room. “Thank you, Kurt!” He hugs him.

…

Mercedes hangs up.

Santana's in the studio working with a band. “Okay, guys let’s take it from the bridge or the chorus or whatever.”

Mercedes nervously knocks on the door.

Santana sees her through the window. “Oh, thank God. All right. You guys start and I’ll come back when you’re finished.” She gets up and goes to opens the door. “Did you get my memo?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you take notes at the meeting for me today?”

“Sure. Santana?”

She leaves the studio. “Yeah?”

“I know we’re not exactly best friends—”

“We’re not? Then why am I always doing you favors?”

“You never do me—” She clears her throat. “Never mind. How’d you like to be my maid of honor?”

“Do I get to pick out my own dress? I tend to draw the eye, so I gotta look good.”

“Absolutely. I mean, you know, I might make some suggestions, but—”

“Oh, you know, I’m really swamped though. I’d need a lot of help.”

“Well, what do you think the bride is for? To make the maid of honor’s life easier, right?” She laughs nervously. “I mean, come on. Please.”

“Aw. All right. Since you begged…”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be your maid of honor.”

“It’s gonna be great!”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

The next week, Mercedes and Santana are with Sue doing some planning.

Santana’s lounging in a chair, smashing glasses of wine. “Hey, can I make a suggestion? Have you ever heard of ‘mer-lot’? It’s this really nice red wine. It’s very elegant.” She downs the rest of her glass.

“Mm-hmm. Now, your music is still pending, and, sadly, DJ Humble is no longer available on that date,” says Sue.

“Oh? But he and I had a deal in-in principle,” replies Mercedes.

“Yes, well, one of the other weddings outbid you. I can’t give you their name, of course.”

“That bitch!”

Mercedes and Sue look at her.

“Not you. No, a different one. A person.”

Sue leaves the room.

Santana gets up and walks over to Mercedes. “God, she’s fucking scary.”

“You don’t think that Kurt—”

“Yes, I do, Wheezy.”

“No. No. He knew how much that meant to me. It’s too cruel. It’s too mean-spirited.”

“Too in character?” She gets an idea. “Hang on. Wait. Didn’t you tell me he’s making his own suit? For the wedding?”

“Yes.”

She puts her arm around Mercedes. “And isn’t trying to get these expensive fabrics flown in from Paris?”

“Yes…”

“And did you tell me he’s allergic to polyester, figuratively and literally?”

……

Kurt and Finn are having a tasting of the desserts.

“Mmm. Oh! That is good!” exclaims Finn.

Kurt nods his head. “Excellent. Is that like cream cheese? It is cream cheese. Like a hint.” He inhales. “Has Mercedes chosen her cake yet?”

“Let’s keep to our own work, shall we?” suggests Sue. “Now, as for the flowers, Eufloria has put in a bid—”

“We just can’t have the same cake, that’s all. And I have to have the seven-tiered, white chocolate-curl torte, enrobed in marzipan with edible pearls and flourishes.”

“Well, you’re safe. Mercedes has chosen a less extravagant cake. And she’s always saying that she doesn’t need to impress people with how much she can spend.” She clears her throat. “I’m just going to check my ice sculptor rolodex.”

He chuckles nervously. “Right.”

Sue leaves the room.

“Oh, my God. That was a dig at me. Mercedes thinks I’m showing off? I mean, I know I make a little more than her, but I never thought she resented it. I guess I was wrong.”

“Really? I didn’t get that from what she—”

“Sue’s eating it up. Oh! Mercedes always gets the sympathy vote. I never get the sympathy vote, do I? Jesus! I mean, our cake could be two Ding-Dongs and a Yodel for all I care.” He walks by Sue’s shelf which has the binders for all the weddings she’s working on. “What’s that? What’s that?” He sees Mercedes’s.

“Kurt, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

He grabs it from the shelf anyway.

Finn rolls his eyes and walks away.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

“Dance lessons? Damn, she’s competitive. Their dance is totally gonna be better than ours,” says Kurt as he power walks on the treadmill in his office. Him and Finn are going through wedding colors.

“Isn’t Mike choreographing your first dance?”

Kurt ignores him. “Let me see Canary Song again.”

Finn holds it up.

“Dandelion.”

He holds it up.

“Canary.”

He holds it up again.

“Isn’t there something in between?”

“Maybe a burnt Canary?” shrugs Finn.

“Video montage of their lives? Really? It’s gotta be Shane’s idea. It’s gonna be, like, pictures of them as babies. You know, Mercedes with one tooth and Shane in his little superhero outfits. It’s tacky!”

Someone knocks on his door.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah. Delivery for Kurt Hummel.”

“That’s my fabric! I’ll take that.” He jumps off the treadmill and grabs the box from the messenger’s hand and signs his name. “You guys were fast. I just ordered this two days ago.”

“We work fast, mister.”

“Thank you.” He cuts open the box and smells the fabric. Excited to get started on his suit.

…

“W-Was he up there?” asks Mercedes nervously.

“Yeah,” says the delivery guy.

“Oh. And it’s impossible to go get it back?”

“No, no, no, no. He tore through the box already, lady. $150.00.”

“Yes. Okay. That is the agreed upon… But just so you know, if you heard what was actually going on, you would totally side with me.” She gives him the money.

“You gonna tip me?”

“I thought that was including a tip, but anyway, I’ll give it to you because I’m the Paula!” She gives him more money.

…

“Hey Finn!”

“Yes?”

“Can you get the dance instructor on the phone?”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Mercedes and Shane are at a dance studio waiting on their dance instructor.

“I don’t know, baby. Dance class?” questions Shane. “Come on. We know how to dance, especially you. It’s a slow dance. It’s like we did in college.”

“It’s a waltz. It’s a little more precise than just holding each other up. And besides, Sue says that our first dance introduces our couple’s style to the world.”

“Oh, well, naturally I’m incredibly concerned with our couple style,” he says sarcastically.

The door opens.

A small middle-aged man with bird-like features walks into the room, looking sprung out. “I am Ricky Coo… the Doctor of Dance. I bring you motion. I bring you rhythm. I bring you sex! Release, get on your feet, and let’s dance!”

Shane grits his teeth while Mercedes looks a little hopeful.

…

After dancing stupidly for two hours straight, Mercedes and Shane are wiped the fuck out. Both laying on the floor panting.

“Maybe Sue shouldn’t be recommending Ricky Coo, Doctor of Dance so much,” says Mercedes.

“Yeah. I don’t know about Ricky.”

The door opens and another dance instructor comes in.

“Good for you, you guys did some warm-ups. I got your voicemail saying you wanted to push the lesson from 1:00 to 3:00. How long have you been here?”

“Oh, my God,” she scoffs.

“What?”

“Kurt.” She looks at the instructor. “Yo, just give us a second.” She lays back down.

…

“I mean, who does that? He’s finally gone completely crazy. Not that I’m surprised at all. I mean, he’s always been nuts,” says Shane as he and Mercedes walk home after the lesson.

“I know. And messing with our couple’s style? There’s no way I’m letting him get away with that.”

“Good.” He groans. “You know who I feel sorry for is Blaine. He’s not even gonna be able to control his own husband.”

“What?” she asks incredulously.

“No, I’m just saying-- It’s Kurt. Because he never thinks about—”

“And?”

He scoffs. “I’m going inside.”

“What?”


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newspaper Engagement Announcement:
> 
> Mercedes: https://media3.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2016_27/1610546/image1_2336768b4f9b5d35b7cae3f648ca6c99.fit-760w.jpg
> 
> Kurt: https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/glee/images/f/f3/Tumblr_mt4yoxt4eR1sdd0zqo1_250.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/180?cb=20130915150641

* * *

Mercedes and Kurt are now in the final month before their big day: a litmus test for couples of how they work together, solve problems, and communicate. The early, happy glow is over, and the nerves begin to set in. With some couples, it brings out the fundamental conflicts in their relationship (Mercedes and Shane). With other couples, the lucky ones, it highlights the essential harmony of their partnership (Kurt and Blaine). But every bride and groom need something to take the edge off.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Mercedes walks into her office and sees another cookie bouquet.

“Ooh, for me! A Jolly Walrus cookie bouquet. Is Shane a keeper or what?”

Santana appears in the doorway. “I’d just be careful, hun. Miss Wang is a stern mistress.”

“Trust me. With all the last-minute planning, I’m running all over New York City. I’ll burn off all the calories.”

“I know, but that’s like the fourth basket,” she murmurs.

……

“Hi Kurt,” says Finn as he meets Kurt at the elevators.

“They’re doing a video montage? I don’t know how they’re gonna cut us out of the footage. We’re in everything.”

They walk into Kurt's office.

Finn hands him an envelope. “Oh, this came for you via messenger and Mr. Simmons is on the phone again asking for the update on the Fall line.”

Kurt sits down at his desk and opens the envelope. “ _The_ _Lima Press_? Finn, this is from home!”

“I guess I should tell them you’re dealing with a crisis?” asks Finn.

“Oh, my God. They still print engagement announcements! I guess we’re sort of like celebrities back there, probably. You know, it’s like, local kids give back to their community. They’ve come so far in tolerance.” He opens the paper and gasps loudly.

“Oh, wow!” says Finn, shocked. He starts laughing a little.

It’s a picture of Kurt from middle school… right in the middle of his chubby phase. And a gorgeous picture of Mercedes right next to it.

“Mercedes looks hot,” says Finn.

He shakes his head. “Finn. It’s the best she can do, huh? So lame. She wants to play dirty? I can play dirty.” He picks up the phone. “I went to fashion school, people.”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Kurt and Tina are having lunch where he plans to stir up some trouble.

“I’m starting to think that 30 is the cutoff,” says Tina.

“Mmm.”

“Because it’s the last time men want to date women their age. A 30-year-old guy will date a 30-year-old girl. But a 35-year-old guy wants someone 30. A 40-year-old guy wants someone 30, too, or 28.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“It’s a terrible world.”

“I know. You know what I was wondering? What are the real reasons behind Mercedes and Shane having to tie the knot? Why can’t they change their date? Think about it.” He makes a belly gesture.

“She’s pregnant! Mercedes is pregnant!” shouts Tina.

Kurt gets a satisfied smirk on his face.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Mercedes is at home trying on her wedding dress. She realizes she can’t zip it up.

“Oh, no,” she groans. “Oh, no!”

“Babe? Are you alright?” asks Shane from the kitchen. “What the hell’s goin’ on?” He walks over to the bedroom door.

She groans again.

“Let me in!”

“No! You can’t see me in the dress!” She shoves the dress back into the closet and closes the door. She sighs and goes to open the bedroom door. “I gained five pounds. Five pounds! It might as well be 50! The dress doesn’t fit! And if the dress doesn’t fit then I’m gonna be out $7000.00!”

He walks into the bedroom. “So what? Get it tailored.”

“You don’t alter Vera Wang to fit you. You alter yourself to fit Vera. What do boys learn in school?”

“Well, what can I do to make you feel better?”

“It’s what you can stop doing. This is all your fault. It’s sweet of you to send me those treats, but I--”

“What treats?”

“You know, the treats. The Truffle-opolis. The truffle trays.”

He looks at her confused.

“The Jolly Walrus cookie bouquet? International Butter Club?”

He chuckles nervously. “Babe. I didn’t send you any of that.”

Her eyes get big. “Oh, my God, Kurt! He’s trying to make me fat so I can’t fit into my dress! What is that? What is that?” She runs to the kitchen.

He turns around and leans on the doorframe. “The International Butter Club? You mean, you’ve actually been sitting around eating sticks of butter from different lands?”

She smiles and crunches on a stalk of celery.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

It’s now the final week before the wedding and Mercedes and Kurt are doing everything they can to look their absolute best; hair, skin, nails, everything.

Mercedes, in disguise (sunglasses and a headscarf), goes to the tanning salon that she knows Kurt’s at. She goes up to the front desk. “Hello, there. I need to get to the back really fast. Really fast, because I left something there yesterday. It’s very important that I—”

“I so don’t care. Go on back,” says the receptionist.

Mercedes starts walking to the back and overhears Kurt and a worker.

“Mr. Hummel?” says an attendant.

“Hi.”

“Hi. Bit of Honey today? That’s the one I loaded.”

“Yes, but, uh, just a pre-wedding glow.”

“Sure thing.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Mercedes switches out that color for a much darker one. And Kurt confidently walks into the booth.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

The next morning, Kurt steps off the elevator and Finn immediately notices the tan.

“Wow! What happened to you? You look like a traffic cone. Will it fade?”

“Sort of. This is three loofahs. Is it that bad? Blaine said he didn’t think it was that bad.”

“Kurtie, of course he said that. We’re always saying things like that to save face.”

Kurt gives him a pissed off look.

……

When he gets home, Kurt digs through the box full of Mercedes’s things with a DVD inside. “Come on. I know you’re in here.” He finds it. “Ah, here’s your video montage. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.”


	7. Chapter Seven

* * *

Mercedes is getting her hair done and doing what everyone does when they get their hair done… spill the tea.

“This wedding stuff is not a walk in the park.”

“For sure,” agrees the hairdresser.

“I’m surprised. I’m surprised I haven’t been, you know, sent into my therapist’s office.”

“I know that’s right, T-U-F-F.”

Kurt sneaks into the hair salon and walks by Mercedes unseen.

“You should have heard me on the phone the other day talking to the guy who’s still messing up my centerpieces.”

“Girl!”

“It was unbelievable. It’s like one thing after another, every single time.”

“It snowballs.”

“Listen, can I get a little bit more lowlight, hun?”

“Yeah, especially right here. Hold that thought, sweetie. I’m gonna get your color.”

“Just make sure it’s not so-- Like, more light brown and gold beige.”

…

The hairstylist mixes Mercedes’s color and walks away to grab her. Kurt swoops in and switches the color.

…

Mercedes and the hairstylist are at the bowl washing her hair.

“Maybe I should take up chanting. I think it’s kind of-- might be necessary at this time of my life.”

The hairstylist takes off the foil and sees what happened. “Oh, my God!”

“Oh, my God. Is it good? Great!”

…

The hairstylist takes off the towel on Mercedes’s head.

“I get to do noth—” She sees her hair and gasps.

“Okay. I-I don’t know what happened. Um. I gotta let it sit for a day or two. Maybe I’ll try to strip it down to white…”

“My hair’s blue! It’s blue! I have blue hair! I’m getting married in a week.”

“Congratulations.”

“In a week! A week!”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

As Kurt’s tailoring his suit, Finn knocks on the door.

“Hey little brother. Mr. Simmons is on line one."

“Thanks Finn.” He looks up at him and Finn notices his face and hands.

“Hey, I know I don’t know anything about skin care, but your face looks blotchy.”

“That’s impossible Finn. My hand-picked creams and serums are organic.”

Finn pulls out his phone and shows Kurt his face.

Kurt gasps. “Oh my God!” He looks at his hands. “What the hell happened? I was fine an hour ago!”

“Did you do anything?”

“No! I just started working on my suit for the wedding… Oh God!” He checks the material and sees it’s polyester. “What kind of sick fuck would switch out my fabrics?! Oh God and now I have to express order the fabrics in order to get it done on time. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes.” He runs out of Kurt’s office.

“And run down to CVS and get me some Hydrocortisone!” he yells out the door.

“I don’t know what that is!”

“I’ll send you a picture!”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Mercedes opens the door to her apartment. “Shane?” She looks up and sees all the baby clothes and toys everywhere.

He appears in the doorway. “Babe? Do you have something you need to tell me?”

“Um—”

He notices her hair. “Are we about to have a Smurf baby?”

She looks at him confused.

“Apparently we’re registered at Babies ‘R’ Us. Isn’t that nice?”

She throws down a toy and pulls out her phone. She calls Santana. “Tana? Can you ask Brittany something for me?”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

Santana paces back and forth in front of her phone. Hyping herself up to call Brittany. "You can do this. Don't let her distract you." She picks up the phone and calls. "Get what you need and get the hell out."

_Brittany answers. "Santana?"_

"Hey Britt-Britt. I know we haven't talked in a while, but I need to ask you something."

_"Sure. What is it?"_

"Where is Kurt's bachelor party?"

_"Oh! It's gonna be at the strip club on 86th."_

"Lady Hummel's going to a strip club? I thought he was too priss for that."

_"That's what he wanted. So, I'll see you there?"_

"Maybe, but thanks for letting me know."

_"No problem. Talk to you later?"_

Santana clears her throat. "Yeah. I, um, I gotta go."

_"Okay. Bye."_

"Bye." She hangs up.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

“I can’t believe you told Mercedes,” says Tina as everyone’s at Kurt's bachelor party.

“She’s our best friend, too!” Quinn yells back. “And I didn’t tell her, Brittany did.”

“I told Santana, but I didn’t know she was gonna tell Mercedes. Hey guys, don’t get too attached to the dancers. They’re paid to be nice to you,” says Brittany as they walk to the table.

Mercedes and Santana are drinking at the bar.

“What’re you gonna do Wheezy?” asks Santana.

“I have an idea.”

“All right, all right. Now a little birdie just told me that we have a groom-to-be in the house tonight,” says the DJ.

“Over here!” yells Puck.

“But he’s been a very bad groom. Officer Not-Your-Husband is here to arrest you!” says the DJ.

A dancer comes over to Kurt and pulls him onstage. “You’re under arrest for being too sexy. Time to be frisked!”

“Oh, my goodness!” says Kurt, scandalized by what’s happening.

“Hey!” yells Mercedes from the bar. “We got a **bride** -to-be in the house tonight!”

The other people in the club cheer.

“Mercedes, this party is invitation only,” yells Kurt from the stage.

“I’m getting married too, baby!” yells Mercedes.

“Well, I’m gonna invite you right up here, Bridie.”

“Why not?”

“Come on up here, girl! We want to see the way you move!”

Mercedes starts dancing.

“That’s what I’m talking about! Work it out, girl!”

“Yes, Boo!” yells Artie.

Santana runs over to the table. “That’s my girl!”

“You can’t even let me have my own bachelor party?” asks Kurt.

“Like the way you couldn’t let me have DJ Humble. That was low, Kurt.” She turns to the glee club in the audience. “And by the way, did you guys hear? I’m not pregnant!”

The friends cheer from the audience.

“I say it’s time for a dance-off. Dance-off!” says the DJ.

“Dance-off! Dance-off! Dance-off! Dance-off!” the audience cheers.

Mercedes starts dancing sexily and Kurt’s a little awkward.

“Aw, come on, Kurt,” says Mike.

“Come on, groom. I know y’all can do better than that.”

“Sprockets!” yells Mercedes and she starts doing the dance.

The audience cheers. A dancer comes over to them with handcuffs.

“Break it down now! Now the sexiest one takes first prize. Let’s see it!”

The dancer handcuffs them together.

“We gonna get this party started, y’all! Showdown!”

The audience cheers.

Kurt starts dancing sexily, but Mercedes rips the handcuffs apart and takes over the stage.

“Check out the bride-to-be, y’all!”

There’s a rope on the stage and she runs and jumps on to the rope and starts swinging, feeling freer than ever.

“Yeah, Mercedes!!” yells Sam from the audience.

“Bridie, you are the sexiest of the night, baby! Give it up for the bride-to-be, y’all! Sorry, groomie. Can’t win ‘em all, boy.”

Kurt gets off the stage and goes back to the table. “It’s weird, losing. I gotta say I’m not loving it.”

“No, but you were both so good,” says Brittany.

“Yeah, you really got up there, and you…tried,” says Finn.

“Forget it. It’s my bachelor party, right?”

“Good boy. Here you go,” says Puck as he hands him a shot.

“It’s like you read my mind.” He takes it.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

The next morning, a car horn honks, disturbing waking Kurt up from his drunken sleep. He gasps. “Oh, my God! Oh, my God!” He hastily gets up and gets ready for work. He runs outside. “Taxi! Taxi.”

The taxi stops and lets him in.

… 

He’s running into the office building as he calls Finn. “Finn. Finn. I need coffee.” He runs past someone. “Excuse me. I need coffee and three Advil. Yeah. Four waters and get a splash of that Kahlua next to wherever that intern is.” He walks onto the floor. “Hey, Alana.”

She notices Kurt’s skin. “Good morning?”

“You work too hard. I’m gonna treat you to lunch.”

“Okay?”

“Where are you, Finn? Are you in the office?”

“I hear you coming. Kurt?” He sees Kurt run past his desk. “Kurt, your skin!”

Kurt turns around. “Hey, Advil!”

“You’re still orange and your hands still have blotches!”

He screams. “Oh, my God. I totally forgot! I was supposed to go to the esthetician at 7:00AM.”

“I think it’s very—”

“It’s gonna be fine. I’m gonna deal with it.” He runs into his office.

…

In the meeting room, Kurt’s presenting his new designs while wearing a ski mask and gloves acting like everything is fine as everyone else is watching him with confused looks on their faces.

“If we could all refer to the dresses and suits, I’ve drawn, I’ve highlighted a few areas that were severely lacking in the first pass…”

“W-W-Wait. Okay. I am looking at drawings dated two weeks ago. Where are the latest versions?” asks Mr. Simmons.

“I-I could have sworn that I updated these. Just a second.” He picks up his briefcase but can barely see out of the ski mask and gets frustrated and rips it off his face. “Goddamn it!”

“Your face…” starts Mr. Simmons.

“Yes, my face. My face…is orange! My face is orange, my wedding’s in a week, and I’m paying my best man. I mean, he _is_ my brother, but that’s beside the point. And, yes, maybe I misplaced the drawings. And, yes, maybe my best friend in the world, forever, hates me! Hates me!” He plops down in a chair and rips off the gloves and sees his skin flaking off. “Oh, my God.” He starts crying. “My hands are falling off! This is so not ideal!”

“This is who’s creating our designs?”

“Not anymore,” says Isabelle. “Kurt’s off the project. I’m taking over.”

“No, now look, calm down. I’m gonna fix this.”

Isabelle sighs. “Kurt, you are excused.”

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

That night, Kurt’s talking to Blaine in bed about his day.

“I’m not this person. I just don’t screw up. I just don’t get demoted. It’s like I don’t have anybody. I feel so alone.”

“Hey. Babe, I’m right here.”

Kurt sniffles.

“You miss your best friend, especially now. She’d know just what to say.”

Kurt starts crying. “I’m mad at her too. She went for the skin. You never do that.”

“You’ll fix it. And if you can’t, I love it.”

Kurt scoffs.

“I do. You’re like this very tall, very hot traffic cone.”

Kurt giggles. “Oh, honey. It’s not just about my skin. I’m mad because she’s right. It’s exhausting having to try to be perfect all the time. But that’s how I held it together ever since Elizabeth died, I figured nothing--nothing bad would happen again if I was just…one step ahead of everything and everybody, all the time.” He sighs. “Obviously that doesn’t work.”

“Life isn’t perfect, hon. It’s messy.”

“You’re right. I mean, I was gonna be perfect for you…but now that you say it’s impossible…”

“Hey. No, you don’t. No, you don’t have to be perfect. I’ve always wanted a human husband. Yeah, the other ones are just…too hard to inflate.”

They both crack up and softly kiss.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anderson-Hummel wedding suit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AVj_xFiO-WWARJKFfozntI3B9ariBU3_SZGUuLYFJ7oY_7IOaBazou-CfWm6Uw-HoG-gO27slhgnQjKUtNJKv2s/

* * *

Mercedes walks out of the bathroom with her hair semi-normal. “Hey.”

“Hey," says Shane. He notices her hair. “Almost back to normal, huh?”

She sits down on the bed. “I know, right? I’m gonna be perfect for our wedding. So, oops, sorry, Kurt.” She sighs. “I wish I had pictures. You know? It’s like I was up there, and there’s this spotlight, and when I hit that rope-- Oh, my God!”

“Hey! Enough, enough, enough! I’ve heard this story 10,000 times, Mercedes. You’ve been acting a little wild lately. Okay? And I’m tired of it. So, knock it off.”

“W-What?”

“Lately you’ve been very mad and tense and excited. You know what? I just don’t know how to deal with this.”

“Uh-huh…”

“And quite frankly, you have me questioning whether or not… this is something about -- to do with the wedding or if this is permanent.”

“Um, well, Shane, it is kind of permanent. You know? It is possible that I might be mad or tense or excited more than once in the next 40 years.”

“Is it? Really? You know what? You’re doing it right now.”

“What?”

“You’re being, not, I mean, not bitchy, but—”

She has a shocked look on her face.

“I said ‘not bitchy.’ But you’re right there in that neighborhood. You should have the cab, like, take a U-turn…drop you off at the corner of Pleasant and Nice, where we met.”

“Are you upset because of this thing with Kurt, or because I’m having feelings?”

“Totally.”

“Because it’s kind of hard to read you!”

“My God! That’s totally it. I’m upset because you have feelings. You nailed it.”

“Okay. So, in other words, then don’t have so many feelings, but if I do, don’t show ‘em. Gotcha!”

“Oh, God! I can’t even talk to you right now!”

“You haven’t tried yet. Do you realize-- Do you know how hard this is for me?”

“I don’t even know who you are.”

“You have not even tried to ask me about how I’m feeling. I’m so confused!”

“Look, I don’t want to talk. It’s a tense time. I was gonna go hang out with the guys. We’re fine. Whatever. Bye.”

He walks out of the apartment and slams the door behind him while Mercedes lays down on the bed and starts crying.

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

While on a run, Kurt sees Mercedes power walking and starts shouting after her. “Mercedes! Mercedes! Mercedes!”

But she doesn’t turn around because she has her headphones in.

…

While sitting in Central Park, Mercedes decides she’s gonna call Kurt and finally have a talk. She pulls out her phone and dials his office number.

_The phone rings while a drill is running._ _“Kurt Hummel’s office,” answers Finn._

“Hey, Finny. It’s Mercedes. Is Kurt there?”

_“I’m sorry, can you hold on? Just a minute, I-- Sorry.”_

_“It’s my worst nightmare. I’m ‘cubicle-ized’,” rants Kurt in the background._

_“I’m sorry, Kurt’s dealing with a crisis right now. Can I call you back?”_

“Fine. That’s-- Yeah. Okay, I get it. Bye.” She hangs up.

_“Hey!” He yells at the guys drilling. He turns back to the phone. “I’m sorry. Who’s this?”_

BW~BW~BW~BW~BW

The next day, Mercedes is walking down the street and sees Sam. “Hey!”

“Hi!” He goes in for a hug.

“How are you?”

“Long time, huh?”

“I know. It’s my fault. I’ve been really busy.”

“Oh, yeah. Right. Busy. Nothing to do with the fact that I’m the best man of the fiancée of your archenemy. I mean, best friend.”

She smiles.

“Hey! I have to rent a tux and you’re coming with me. Come on.”

“Um, okay.”

He puts his arm around her and guides her down the street. “Come on.”

“You know I’m a little surprised. I would have thought a famous model would have his own tux.”

He laughs. "I'm not that famous."

…

Sam finishes putting on his tux and walks out of the changing room. He notices how sad she looks and sits on the table in front of her. “How you doing, Mercy? Hmm? How you feeling?”

“Um…I feel fine,” she shrugs.

“Fine’s not really a feeling though.”

“Fine’s a feeling. ‘I feel fine.’ You could say that. People say that.”

“Yeah, sure. You can say that.”

“Okay. It’s, like—” She sighs. “Things are crazy with the wedding. And there are all these details and… I don’t know. I had this idea of how it was gonna be in my head, and--and it’s not as much fun as that.”

“Mm-hmm,” he says with a sympathetic face.

She starts crying. “And I don’t know why.” She sniffles. “But mostly, I am fine.” She sighs. “Let’s fix your tie. I can’t look at a tie like this.” She stands up and starts tying his tie.

“Yeah. Change the subject.”

“This doesn’t look right without a tie.”

“I’m gonna go with a clip-on ‘cuz I can’t figure this out.”

“You have no patience.”

“Really?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“I kind of think I wait around too long.”

She smiles softly.

“Hey, let me buy you a cup of coffee.”

“Oh, um, I-I can’t. I’m late for, um-- But I’ll call you.” She grabs her purse. “Um, when I’m not-- You-- That-- You look, um, you look really-- You’re gonna make a very handsome best man.”

“Thank you. And, Mercy, you’re gonna make a beautiful bride. Really.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course.”

She smiles. “Thank you. Bye.” She leaves the store with Sam looking after her.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kurt's suit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/421649583864184512/  
> Santana's maid of honor dress: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/541065342740635765/  
> Mercedes's makeup and hair: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/841891724078372365/  
> Sue’s suit: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR5k6uV0-UySkbBYBNJz5HKmka5rmjS-BJZxw&usqp=CAU  
> Becky's dress: https://www.pe.com/wp-content/uploads/migration/n1q/n1q8ru-imagesdaily.2011.0427.potter27300binary310592.jpg  
> Quinn's dress: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/818036719811307907/  
> Brittany's dress: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/412994228333272635/  
> Tina's dress: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/372109987957967559/
> 
> Mr. Jones is played by Denzel Washington  
> Mrs. Jones is played by Viola Davis

* * *

Despite it all, when morning breaks on the sixth of June, it’s the perfect day for a wedding. Well, two weddings.

Sue and her team walk into the Plaza, ready to tackle this day head on.

“T-minus three hours, people. Guard your camps, execute your duties, and we may make it out of here alive,” she says to the team.

“Incoming, people,” says Becky. “Roses for Hummel. Peonies for Jones,” she says to the florist.

“Has the Jones officiant reported for duty yet?” Sue asks Becky.

“Yes, he has.” She turns to the workers. “Let’s move, people. This is not a dress rehearsal.”

……

Kurt and Finn are in Kurt’s holding room getting ready for the wedding.

“No, you don’t look like a traffic cone anymore. And your hands are beautiful,” says Finn, trying to calm Kurt’s nerves.

He sighs.

“And you look like gay Braveheart in your suit.”

Kurt giggles.

Sue knocks on the door. “Oh, Porcelain. My God, you’re the most handsome/beautiful groom I have ever seen.”

He sighs again. “Thank you.”

Her phone pings. “Oh, uh, excuse me a sec.” She leaves the room.

“She scares me,” says Finn.

……

Mercedes and Santana are in Mercedes’s holding room getting ready. Well, Mercedes is getting ready, Santana’s lounging around.

“God, I’m so nervous. I don’t know why,” she says as she looks in the mirror.

“Is the veil supposed to go like that?”

“Yes. Why?” she asks shortly.

“Oh, no. You look fine. You know, honestly, the pressure we put on brides these days to look perfect. It’s just ridiculous. You don’t have to look your most beautiful on your wedding day. Okay, everybody?” She laughs. “God. You know, if you want my opinion—”

“You know what, Santana? I don’t. I don’t want your opinion.”

“Wh-What?”

“Santana, I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life…and I’m gonna tell you something that I should’ve told myself a long time ago.” She turns around. “Sometimes it’s about me, okay? Not all the time, but every once in a while, it’s my time. Like today. If you’re not okay with that, feel free to go. But if you stay, you have to do your job. And that means smiling and talking about my bridal beauty and most importantly, not making it about you. Okay?! Can you do that?!”

“Yes, I’d like to,” she says timidly.

“Then we’re good.”

……

“Harpist is Jones. Quartet is Hummel. How many times do I have to repeat myself?” says Sue to a worker.

“Check on the grooms’ statuses and man your battle stations,” says Becky to another worker.

“If you’re about to jump ship from one wedding let someone else know so we can create a diversion,” says Tina as she, Brittany, and Quinn walk into the venue.

“Okay,” says Brittany.

“I’m going to Kurt’s ceremony and Mercedes’s reception. More booze,” says Quinn.

“I’m gonna do a quick head count of the hot drunk single guys and then choose,” says Tina.

“Good call,” says Brittany.

Quinn goes into Kurt’s ceremony room and Brittany and Tina go into Mercedes’s.

……

Sam’s walking down the hallway to Kurt’s room. “Hey, Mr. Jones. How are you?” he hugs him.

“I’m good, son. How’re you?”

“Good. Big day, huh?”

“Yes. Yes, it is.”

“I caught a glimpse of Mercedes when I was scouting out the enemy camp.” He chuckles. “She is beautiful, sir.”

“Thank you, Samuel. Listen, you think I could have a word with Kurt and Finn? Not about the--the fight, about something else.”

“Oh, yeah. Sure.” He opens the door.

Mr. Jones walks in and see Kurt and Finn. “Kurt,” he chuckles.

He and Finn run over to Mr. Jones. “Hi!” says Kurt.

“Mr. Jones!” says Finn.

“Oh, Kurt.” He looks at Kurt in his suit. “Wow. Carole and Burt would be so proud.”

“Thank you.”

“Of both of you.”

“Thank you.”

“Thanks,” says Finn.

“I just want to pass on a blessing from our generation. Not just from myself but from – from my dear friends who would’ve given anything to be here today.” He sniffles. “Good luck, honey.” He shakes Finn's hand. “Finn.”

“Mr. Jones, thank you.”

He walks to the door. “Good to see you.”

“You too.” Finn closes the door behind him.

“Such a good man. Mercedes is so much like him,” says Kurt.

Finn pats him on the back and goes to pick up little bottles of alcohol. “So, according to Ms. Sylvester, you are allowed one bottle before the wedding, to sort of steady the nerves. So, we have scotch…”

“Okay. Scotch is good,” says Kurt.

“We have vodka and tequila…”

“Tequila, tequila? Tequila! Tequila! Sam! Tequila.” He runs to his bag and pulls out a DVD.

“Doesn’t tequila make you horny?” asks Finn.

“No, no, no! God!” Kurt rolls his eyes. “Sam. Sam, listen to me. You take this to Sue. You tell her I switched the DVD’s. She needs to play this when Mercedes walks down the aisle.”

“I thought we were rising above this sort of thing,” says Finn.

“We are, which is why I need Sam to do this for me right now. Hurry!” He pushes him out of the room.

Puck walks down the hall. “Sam! There you are!”

“Hey! Sorry! I was talking to Kurt and Finn.”

“Come on, dude! The photographer wants to take pictures.”

“But I gotta get this to Sue…”

“Look, the photographer scares me, and she was pissed that you weren’t there so we gotta go.” He pushes Sam down the hall.

“But—”

“Give it to Sue right before the ceremony!”

……

There’s a knock on Mercedes’s door.

“I’ll go get that,” says Santana.

“That’s very helpful. Thank you.”

She opens the door. “Oh, my God. It’s your parents.”

They walk in.

“Come on in! Isn’t she a bridal beauty?”

“She sure is!” says Mrs. Jones.

“Mom!”

They hug.

“Oh, my God! Look at that dress! You look beautiful!”

“Yeah, um, Kurt helped me pick it out.” She sighs. “Oh God. I’m gonna start crying.”

“No! You’re gonna screw up your makeup, honey.”

“I know this is not gonna help with the tears, but I found this when we moved to Boca, and I saved it,” says Mr. Jones.

“Daddy. What is it?”

He takes the box from behind him. “I knew there’d come a day to give it to you.”

She takes it.

“Go ahead.”

She opens the box from when they were kids and pulls out the barrette.

“In case you need something old or blue.”

“It’s really Kurt’s.”

“Well, something borrowed then.”

She starts crying. “Daddy, I need to see him.”

“I think he feels the same way.”

Someone knocks on the door.

“I’ll get that,” says Santana. She opens the door. “Oh, it’s Sue.”

Sue walks into the room. “Uh, places, people. We’re on in two.”

“Sue, could I just run down the hallway for a second?”

“Mercedes, you are the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. Ready.” She guides her out the door. “Wedding one, walking. Wedding one, walking.” She hands her the bouquet.

…

“Wedding two, walking. Wedding two, walking,” says Becky as she guides Kurt of the room. She hands him his bouquet.

Kurt’s walking down the hall as well.

…

Mercedes and Kurt get to the doors of their respective weddings and see each other in the reflection of the doors. They both turn around and give each other a small, tearful smile. They open the doors and walk in.


End file.
